Religion

Now this is a very sensitive subject, especially in this country. But I am not here to talk about whether this country is an Islamic state or a secular one - that is for another day.

I am Taoist/Buddhist by proxy: that means you follow what you have been born into. When I was in Form Two, I was convinced by a few friends when I discussed religious issues with them (what on earth was I thinking at that age?), and eventually I accepted Jesus Christ into my life. I had to keep it a secret from my parents as they were dead set against the religion - I never knew why. Being a closet Christian was difficult - you can't really go to church on a regular basis, especially at that age; there were not much support from fellow friends or adults. Those first few years were trying; I remember I had someone help me with bible study - but we had to do it privately in a park in Section 14. There was the constant fear that my parents would find out. I wondered what would be worst: parents getting wind of things, or God's punishment. God was something nebulous and far away; your parents were next to you - and as a kid I guess you know the answer.

Things took a turn for the better when I entered uni. I was staying away from home most of the time, and had a car of my own. Not only was I going to church regularly, but eventually joined a cell group (CG). Being a CG member was probably the best time I've experienced in the Christian fraternity. But with time people (God too?) thought I was in for better things - I was promoted to being a CG leader. That was when I became disillusioned and despaired. I have never thought of myself as a leader of any sort - so when I grudgingly took up the position, I was under quite a lot of stress. I am no bible verse-spewing dictionary, and I'm no good spiritually. I always felt that I was forced into doing things I do not believe in. I am not an evangelistic kind of person - I find it hard to talk to other people about God and religion; I guess it is more of how you believe God had changed you, and how much of your success/failure is due to your own efforts or God's grace. And I'm not that good at sharing with my fellow Christian brothers and sisters. There's a lot of skeletons in my closet. How I muddled my way through that one year I did not know. I always wondered whether I did more harm than good then. In short I felt I was a failure as a CG leader.

When I moved to Sabah, there was less impetus for me to continue going to church. I lost all contact with the more 'spiritual' friends. Church-going grew more distant and eventually I stopped. Even after coming back to my hometown, I've not stepped into a church ground let alone a service. Why? The previous feelings, thoughts and experiences are still in my mind. I do not want to be forced to do something I do not want to do: like talking to someone about Christ or bringing potential converts to a evangelistic gathering. I'm still not that kind of person. Perhaps I can start off by going to a cell-group, but it would be odd if one joins a CG without going to church now wouldn't it?

On the flipside, I really do not feel God walking with me as He was previously. I put down all my problems and failures of the past few years to my broken-down relationship with God. It was all my fault and not God's whatsoever. I was waiting (and am still waiting) for some life-changing event to bring me back into God's arms. Perhaps He will or He won't. Perhaps by not doing anything to me, He's giving me a sign. I don't know. But I know He's still there. Waiting...