Friends

You know, there is a difference between friends and acquaintances. Everyone is an acquaintance, but not anyone can be considered a friend. You need that close, trusting relationship to develop friendship. That is why I don't have that many people I would call friends. Acquaintances yes, friends not so easy.

Well I've always wondered why that is so. Seems easy enough: i'm not good-looking, i don't have any form of physique, i don't talk much, i don't go out much either, and i don't feel i belong in any particular activity. But I think it runs deeper than that. It's just I have this innate distrust of other people. It's how I view individuals I am new to. I have been betrayed by many 'friends' too many times in the past to ever let my guard down. Perhaps it's a kind of mental wall I build up subconsciously to protect myself. In a friendship, I tend to give more than I take - so if things go bad I am usually quite devastated. Well, friends who've known me long enough would know how I would react to such setback. It's not a pretty sight of course.

Another aspect of me: I am a loner - I guess I'm just like that, naturally seclusive, quiet, shy and disinterested. So it's either friends calling me out for yum cha, meals, trips etc. or nothing at all. I was surprisingly quite OK with the idea till very recently. I never really kept any contact with my friends - and we slowly drifted away. By the time I realised how quiet and lonely I was, my circle has shrunk quite a bit.

What a double whammy.

This past year I decided to do something about it. Perhaps more out of curiosity than anything else. I started looking up some of my old school and college mates - going for meals, drinks etc. Trips will have to wait for a while. I realised how much I have missed all this while in my comfortable shell. Safe as it was, it lacked the excitement traveling, falling in love, getting married, having kids, buying a house, and all those things one does in life brings. Sad isn't it? Time has passed me by but there is no turning back the clock now. I just have to get on with it.

Making friends does not come naturally to me. I try to open up but the wall keeps getting in the way. It's a slow process but it's something I have to do - for my own sake. I've been reading in forums and blogs about how to expand your circle of friends - perhaps it's worth a try. Clubs, societies, chat rooms, social gatherings - I just have to take the first step. A friend of mine tried to get me to go to a single's party on Monday, but you guessed it, the wall was in the way.

I guess I still have some way to go...